Dubious Intentions
by planet p
Summary: AU; Miss Parker decides to test a theory... and kinda loses the plot a bit. Then she makes up a new one. *Yep, I do funny bad. This is my attempt at funny. Gagging's totally OK.*


**Disclaimer** I don't own _the Pretender_ or any of its characters.

* * *

><p>In the beginning, her intention hadn't been meanness. It was only until she knew that she could get away with it, that she started to push buttons, and watch for what followed. She was a Pretender, these things intrigued her! It was, she argued, natural for her to question her assumptions and whatever the Hell else she knew, from time to time. And, in this instance, she actually <em>could<em>. Strangely, that kind of empowerment blinded her, a bit; made her a bit drunk.

But, really, the idea, when it had struck her the first time, _hadn't_ been her fault.

The credit, in that instance, was all his. He'd just had to say something silly to make Sydney give him a funny look – Did he really think people thought him funny? – he was so obvious, always trying to get some kind of response out of Sydney. Usually, it just made her want to gag. And he talked about Jarod having father-figure issues! Usually, she'd have shook her head to herself and held herself back from snapping something along the lines of, "Check out a mirror for once, pretty boy! I mean – _with_ your frickin' eyes! Remind you of anyone much?" Unfortunately, he must really have been making an effort, because it was sorta funny and she couldn't help but smile.

The instant she did, she knew it had been a mistake, on her behalf. Damn! Now the creep would think she thought he was funny, and all the shit that went along with that in his crazy-person mind.

But when she looked at him, she found that he wasn't looking at her at all. In fact, he was basically ignoring everyone else but Sydney, as though Sydney could protect him from the scary, scary world with just a glance. Something told her he was ignoring her very pointedly: and that was what got her mind thinking.

For someone who made out he was in love with her, every other day, he was acting pretty strange. On a whim, she laughed again.

Sydney was looking at his phone, pretending he was really interested in something there, so Lyle turned to Broots, still ignoring her. Broots nodded solemnly and the two of them glanced at Sydney again.

"What are you looking at?" Parker asked, marching over and snatching Sydney's phone off him.

"Excuse me!" Sydney replied, shooting her a dirty look.

She stared at the screen on his phone, tossed her head. "Nnn. Ew! Courtland's sending you texts now. I am literally gagging here!" She rolled her eyes. It wasn't Jarod or her favourite writer texting him, she wasn't all that interested. She glanced at Lyle and Broots and widened her eyes. "What's that about?" she asked, casually patting Lyle on the arm.

"How much longer do we have to wait out here?" he muttered irritably, quickly making to read the store times on the door but Parker knew he'd just wanted to get away from her and had got lucky with the convenient excuse.

Broots, totally missing his little freak out session, joined him by the door, peering at the store times and then at his watch.

Parker was left standing on her own, wondering what that was about.

Sydney hadn't looked up from his phone.

For the next five minutes, Parker analysed and analysed again her "brother's" uncharacteristic behaviour. At first, she thought that maybe he had a girlfriend right now and was play-acting the faithful boyfriend – the perfect excuse to ignore her as though she didn't exist – but that didn't quite sit right. His girlfriend wasn't around right now: how the Hell would she know who he flirted with when she was out of the picture? She wouldn't! Then she just assumed it was one of his games. He was pretending like he was the goody-two-shoe brother, now. Gag!

But, no, that wasn't right, either. Just didn't click. The way he'd cold-shouldered her was like she'd somehow freaked him out.

_Him!_

She couldn't let go of that, it was just the funniest thing she'd ever heard! It was fan-frickin'-tastic!

She decided the problem needed follow-up.

.

The following morning, she decided to dress up extra nice. To her utter delight, as if he'd sensed her plans, Lyle managed to avoid her the entire morning. It wasn't until lunch that they bumped into each other in the dining hall, and then he very lamely pretended to be interested in something posted on the notice board.

Parker walked over and stopped beside him. "Anything interesting?" she asked.

"That all depends on your definition of the word, I suppose," he replied, not even bothering to sound like he was anything other than your typical robot/worker bee (who had no social life to speak of and lived for the job).

"I get that," she agreed, twisting the heel of her high heel on the floor absently.

He looked away from the notice board, but not at her. In the totally opposite direction.

"What are you lookin' at over there?" she asked playfully, leaning closer.

He stepped away from her sharply. "Nothing," he said mechanically. "I... just remembered something." With that, he walked off.

Parker instantly dropped the cutesy routine and scowled after him. She walked back to the table where her lunch was waiting for her, along with Sydney and Broots.

"What was that about?" Broots asked, shaking his head.

"None of yours," she replied.

"Who were you talking to?" he pressed.

She made You've gotta be kidding me! eyes at him. "Are you frickin' blind, Broots?"

"You weren't trying to upset that boy, were you? You were at it yesterday, too."

She nearly gagged. "What the fuck are you talking about, Broots?"

"Bobby!" he whispered, staring pointedly at her. "Lyle doesn't shut people out like that, at a moment's notice. He's _your_ brother! Didn't you notice that?"

She snorted. "I don't believe that shit," she replied, simply. "He's up to something, only, apparently, you don't want to see it. Good for you!"

"You just hate the idea that you might actually have to a-"

Sydney met his eye suddenly, shutting him up immediately.

"No, I am not in love with the guy!" Broots snapped unhappily. "But just because he's fucked up doesn't mean it's okay for everyone to just accept that – or reinforce it with him! I don't expect you to get that, Parker, as you're not a parent, but _you_ should understand where I'm coming from, Sydney!" He actually looked pretty pissed.

Parker piffed a chip at him. "You're a total jerk today, Broots. Pardon my French, but what the fuck's up with that? You sure you're not in love with Farmer Boy?"

Broots glared at her.

She laughed. "Creep," she muttered, returning her eyes to her lunch. "Shit, am I the only one around here that creep hasn't got brainwashed? Oh yeah, real fuckin' hilarious!" She glanced at Sydney quickly and muttered. "I don't mean you, dummy. I mean the other one."

Broots stood up and went to join Cherry and Plum at their table, taking his lunch with him.

"Tou-chy!" Parker laughed.

.

"You know Parker," she heard Broots telling Lyle later, in Tech Space. "She senses weakness and she zeroes in for the kill."

Lyle refused to say anything to that.

"Yes, you did," Broots went on, as if he'd spoken anyway. "Yesterday. You shut her out. The Pretender in her latches onto that kind of crap. You do know she's not going to let go until she's gotten to the bottom of this, don't you? You're the Empath. Wise up!"

"Stop talking about her like that," Lyle scowled, not looking at him. "Like she's some kind of machine. She's not! She's a person and she's my sister, and I don't like your assumptions."

"You can not like my _conclusions_ as much as you like, Lyle. That won't change the fact that she's a Pretender."

Lyle stared at him suddenly, accusingly. "Is that how you see Jarod, too? Like being a Pretender is some kind of disease – or... or a disadvantage! Like it makes him less able to connect with other human beings! I... find that prejudiced!"

"You would," Broots returned, a note of humour in his voice. "Sure, you're offended for Jarod. Your 'brother', eh! Are you forgetting something here, Lyle? You fuckin' wasted Kyle – his _real_ brother!"

Lyle stood up and walked off, without saying another word.

Parker waited until he'd stalked off to the photocopier room to make her entrance, stepping out from behind the newly installed partition just high enough to conceal her from sight. "Any news of our elusive Pretender?" she asked, just as if she hadn't been listening in on their conversation.

"Nope," Broots replied.

"Have you been looking at all, or just yapping to that idiot, Lyle?"

Broots rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I've been looking! I _can_ multi-task, you know!"

She gasped. "Fuck, I never knew that, Broots!"

He laughed humourlessly. "Funny, Parker."

She flipped her hair over her shoulder diva-ishly. "I know. Aren't I just!"

"Just," Broots returned coldly.

Parker strode off in the direction of the photocopier room.

"Leave him alone," Broots hissed after her.

"Fuck no!" she called back, with a bad-girl grin.

"You really love this mess-with-the-Empath shit, don't you?" Broots muttered darkly, but she kept walking, pretending like she'd already zoned him out. "Frickin' typical!" he laughed, just as darkly.

She stopped in the doorway to the photocopier room and smiled at Lyle.

He was staring at the floor with a serious frown. "Am I not real?" he asked the floor.

She stepped into the room properly, planting an understanding smile on her face. "I think you're real, Lyle," she told him, but he stepped sharply away, out of her reach once more.

"This is my life!" he told her angrily. "Not some shitty subplot in one of your funny, little games, Miss Parker!" He glared harder at the floor. "I'm not in a good space right now. Take a hint and stay out of it! Acting like that, you're not trying to help – you're just trying to satisfy your antagonistic streak!"

"You're an asshole," she told him merely, as though it was just something she'd noticed.

"Stop with the crap."

She shrugged, an unsympathetic scowl coming to her face. "Why should I, _bro_? You never do!"

He finally looked up, meeting her gaze at last. "Because I'm asking you to," he said.

She stepped closer and smiled. "You don't get to ask that!" she hissed. "See, I don't negotiate with _fucking monsters_! You think you can just mess me around without consequences. Well, guess what, sociopath – there are always consequences! Now it's my turn!"

"Stop it!" he told her firmly.

She shook her head. "It doesn't work like that. You thought you could treat me however you pleased and I couldn't fight back because _I'm not an Empath!_" She growled. "No, I'm not a fucking Empath!" A smile lit up her eyes. "But I can fight back!"

She lifted a hand to touch his cheek. She didn't get the chance. She rolled her eyes. "Girl!" she hissed, and turned on her heel and walked out.

"Your homeboy's not much chop," she told Broots on her way back past his cubicle. "Little girl fainted."

Broots stood up quickly. "Why?"

She stopped, spun back to face him. "Picture it, Brootsy Boy! Just when I was about to turn my witchy powers on him – Bam! Out like a light!" She leant closer and mouthed, _Girl!_ Then she walked out.

.

Brown gave her a very dirty look.

"Oops," she mocked, crinkling her eyes up. He made to shut the door, but she shot out a hand and stopped him. "I need my Empath now," she told him, tossing her chin. "We have a lead on Jarod."

"Tough!" he scowled.

"Wake him the fuck up!" Parker snapped angrily. She wasn't messing around here – she was bloody serious! They had a good lead on Jarod and they needed all hands on deck.

"I can't wake him up," Brown said.

"Give him some fucking drugs like you always do!" she growled.

"Why is it always you, Miss Parker?" Brown asked suddenly. "Why are you always the one fucking with our Empaths like they're your personal toys?"

Parker laughed harshly. "You fucking hypocrite! Do you even have any idea how that sick fu-!"

"Yeah. I do," Brown cut her off. "And I also believe that you're better than him. So why are you stooping to his level? Have you lost your mind? Are you having trouble? Do you need help?"

She shot him a filthy look. "Yeah, I've gone Catherine! I feel like stealin' someone's kid! Or, re-stealing! I'm gonna go nuts and," she pulled out her Smith & Wesson, "waste my ass!"

"Put the gun down, Miss Parker," Brown told her calmly, suddenly, as though he fully believed her words.

"Or maybe I'll just waste that effed-up SOB!" she growled, pointing her gun at Lyle.

"Don't even joke about that, Parker," Brown said, sobering to her little game some.

"I could, you know," she told him plainly. "I could waste the fuck and smile!" Her eyes brightened at the thought.

"You fuck with company property and you fuck with yourself," Brown told her. "And you don't want to give them any more ammunition to use against you, Miss Parker."

"What if I don't care," she replied. "I'll be doing the world a favour. Pity I can't waste Raines, too. Or the Chairman."

Brown shook his head.

Parker pointed the gun at her head.

"No!" Brown shouted.

The gun shot out of her hand and skittered across the room. She scowled at Lyle.

He scowled right back at her. "Stop trying to traumatise my doctor!" he told her.

"Ew! Your new lover boy, is he!"

"Fuck you."

"If you ever do that again, Parker, I will personally have to co-"

Lyle said something to Brown in Welsh, cutting him off.

Brown scowled something back and stalked out of the room.

"Lover boy!" Parker laughed. She made to go fetch her gun, but was stopped by Lyle's glare.

"If you ever do that again," Lyle told her, completely seriously, "I won't have any objection to Brown having you committed. Quit acting fuckin' crazy!"

"So says the sociopath," she snapped back, collecting her gun. "Now get your dumb SOB ass to the jet – we've got a lead on Jarod!"

"You've got a lead on insanity, more like," Lyle muttered darkly, holding his head for a moment.

"Any time you're ready!" Parker spat.

"Oh shut up!"

Parker laughed suddenly, her eyes going wide with understanding. "You really believe in my 'witchy powers', don't you!"

He laughed back, not a bit humorously. "Oh, that's just so fucking funny, isn't it!" he growled. "Catherine killed five people with her the power of her mind – and it's so fuckin' hilarious!"

"You're a big, strong Reaper," Parker dismissed, going all schoolgirl.

Lyle gave her an annoyed look. "You're a fuckin' crazy ISP!"

Parker laughed. "You're so in love with me!"

"I'm _so_ not," Lyle returned with disgust. "You're fuckin' insane. I thought it was jus' me, but apparently that sorta shit's catchin'."

"Sure, whatever, _little girl_," she replied, walking out of the room supremely.

.

"Are you two feeling better?" Sydney asked, once they were on the jet.

"She's nuts," Lyle replied.

"He gave it to me," Parker said.

"Yeah." Sydney walked off to find a seat and sat down, opening the romance novel he'd brought with him to the bookmarked page.

Parker looked at Lyle. "You pissed Syd off!"

"Yeah whatever," he replied, walking off to find a seat, himself.

She grabbed his arm, glaring at him. "Lay offa Syd, sociopath! He's my friend, not yours! You can't have him! Try that shit and I'll fuck you up!" She leant closer and whispered two words, "Witchy powers!"

"Self impressed," he whispered back. "Prima donna. Not cute. Ew, argh!"

"When I find Jarod, you're fucking wasted!" she told him.

He laughed. "Oh, fucking good! Quick, hurry up and find him, Sis. Bring-it-on!"

She scowled, letting go of his arm. "You're a total fuck-up!"

"You have shit all imagination!" he returned, with a smile. He turned and walked off, humming Wynter Gordon's _Dirty Talk_.

"Fuck-up! And you've got so much imagination! I bet you're just fantasising about Cox's girl, Diana!"

Lyle rolled his eyes, smiling at her dumb comment. "Ah-ha!"

"Jarod's sister!" She nodded. She grinned suddenly. "Witchy powers – I love you!"

Lyle spun around suddenly. "Don't!" he warned. "Lois isn't a part of this."

"She's Jarod's sister. Of course she is. And her name's Emily, Numb-bo! Ooo!" Her eyes twinkled. "I like it!"

"Well like something else!"

"Can't. I'm suddenly fixating on the whole thing – Pretender style. And you know how we Pretenders can fixate!"

"Un-fixate then!"

She held out her hand to him, wiggling her fingers. "Rock it, Empath boy! Change my mind – if you dare!"

He made a face.

"Scared I'm better than you? I might break into your creepy, little mind and wreak all kinds of irreparable damage?" She cracked up. "Oh, come on, EB! Don't tell me you're not the least bit _curious_. Can she do it or can't she? Ooo – I can do all kinds of fucked-up shit and blame someone else!"

"And you call me a creep," he returned, looking very disturbed.

"Ah... because you _are_!"

"Not as much as you, apparently."

Her eyes widened and she put her hand down. "Ooo!" She snapped her fingers. "I'll do something for you if you do something for me!"

"Kill me."

"What if Jarod and I are meant to be together? You could... help with that, couldn't you? Pull some... Empathy shit?"

"I really feel sick."

"I could help you out with Jarod's sister."

"Yep, sick."

She rolled her eyes. "Think about it, bro. If I suddenly get sprung with a fancy li'l Pretender baby, to Jarod, no less, maybe the company will be so gracious as to let you live. You know, cos of all your help with that, and all."

"Look, I'd rather shoot Jarod than 'pull some Empathy shit' on him, okay!" Lyle told her.

"How is it any different to that shit you pull on all o' them Asian girls?" she asked conversationally. "An' don't say it's different cos he's a guy! That's just a cop-out!"

"Let me see," Lyle replied. "Shit, you do remember what shit they pulled on Cat, don't you?"

"I'm living proof of said 'shit', so, yeah, I ain't forgotten. Your point?"

"It's fucked-up."

"But you _are_ fucked-up!"

"Not that fucked-up," he muttered.

"Oh, so you don't pull dat shit on all dem girls you killed!" she snapped back, hands on hips.

"No. I'm just... naturally talented with 'all dem girls', as you call them."

She laughed incredulously. "Yeah right!"

"The pilot's here," Broots told them, walking over and sitting down. "Finding a seat might be a good idea."

"Took his sweet time," Parker scowled, flopping down into the nearest chair. She glared at Lyle. "I know you got a thing for that sister!" she hissed.

"You're sick and deluded," he whispered back, sitting down himself.

"No, you are! Can anyone say 'denial'?"

"Can anyone say 'ew'?"

"Ah!" she mocked.

"Immature!"

"Like you're not curious. I know how you lot work. You've got your regular thing, then you've got the shit you've always swore off. Be that as it may, you're still curious."

"What the fuck are you talking about!"

"Lo-is!"

He frowned, shaking his head. "Shut up."

"I'm a Pretender, Numb-bo! I sense this shit!"

"I'm an Empath, Princess! I can Block that shit!"

Her eyes widened. "Argh! You admitted it!"

"I did not! You're reading things into what I say."

She poked her tongue out at him and turned to Broots. "So, ah, Brootsy Boy. Whatta you think of Jarod's sister?"

"What do you mean?"

"She's a dish, right?"

Broots frowned, glancing briefly at Lyle. "She's good-looking, yeah. But I wouldn't use that word, specifically."

"You'd totally love to get with a girl like her, wouldn't you?"

"Ah... I'm with someone right now, but if I wasn't, I suppose, if the circumstances were different, I wouldn't say 'no' to getting to know her."

Parker nodded. "I'm thinking I should hook Creepshow and her up. You know, the company would be in love with me _for-ever_ if I did! I'd be _the bomb_! Who rocks? I rock!" She laughed.

"Why would they want another Class Five-ish Empath?" Broots asked. "Slash Reaper," he added quickly.

"Ah, cos they're cool."

Broots glanced at Lyle, then back to Parker. "Ah, they're not that cool."

Lyle nodded. "Not _that_ cool!" he agreed.

Parker pointed a finger at him. "Shut up, Not That Cool!"

Lyle rolled his eyes. "Why do you wanna torment Russell? She never did anything to you."

"Argh!" Parker gagged. "You're _defending_ her!"

"No. I'm givin' you the _facts_!"

"She did do shit to me!" Parker snapped. "She let your dumb ass turf her out some window! And there I was, thinkin' she'd be able pull some Pretender all-that shit and cure you, my baby brother, but nothin' doing! That's shit to _me_!"

"Control freak much?" Lyle asked.

She nodded. "You should know, right?"

"No shit. Yeah! You know what – you lay off that girl, Parker! She mine. If I wan' her, I can get her on charm alone."

"Cos you're so charming."

"I am so charming! It's just... fucked-up!"

"Typical bumpkin underachiever shit. They all talk themselves up, but they ain't never a pull with the ladies."

"That's right, Sis. I got country charm!"

She snorted, and shook her head. "No, you haven't. My fuckin' gun's got more country frickin' rustic charm than you got."

"I... I know how to make a girl feel appreciated."

"Ew, I feel threatened!" Parker laughed.

Broots made a face at her. And why would she, exactly? What was with those two? Whenever they got talking, they lost all semblance of sanity, or reality, even. It was insane.

"Yeah! Cos... cos I don't need your witchy services! You're redundant!" Lyle nodded.

"Don't... say 'services'," Broots moaned.

Parker laughed. "Sss-"

"Don't, Parker!"

She smiled. "I'm a nice girl at heart," she told him. "I can respect."

"Mmm-hmm."

She shot Lyle a glare. "Shut up! You're an ass wipe. I don't respect ass wipes."

Lyle laughed. "You listen to that moron Courtland when he tells you shit!" he challenged.

"He's the fuckin' Chairman, ass wipe!" she returned.

"Yeah, like, how fucked-up is that! You should be Chairman! Depose him! Fuck him off!"

"You fuck him off, idiot! Do you think I want to end up dead!"

"You're the one who was about to sh-"

"La, la, la!" she said loudly, cutting him off before he could blurt that out in front of Broots and Sydney.

Lyle rolled his eyes. "I do not fantasise about Russell."

"Nup. Momma told me you be good together, boo."

"She did not."

"True, boo."

"I'm not your 'boo'."

She snapped her fingers. "You know why I know? Cos you refuse to call her by her name. You won't stop calling her Russell, like it's a fucking disease. You're in total denial."

"Emily! Fine, there! I said her name!"

"Damage is already done, boo. I'm on to you!"

He made a face, then shook his head.

Broots laughed suddenly.

Parker gave him a weird look.

"He... he was just going to say, 'Get off of me, then!', before he realised how that would sound," he filled her in in amusement.

Parker glared at him. "Shit head," she muttered to Lyle. "I've been planning on how to get you to say that for _months_!"

"Yeah right."

"Cut the smart mouth! So what! You're still Russell bait!"

"You can't make me!" he challenged darkly.

"Watch me, jerk!"

"That's _enough_!" Sydney interrupted angrily. "Do you even listen to the utter nonsense you talk – either of you! I want it to STOP, right of this instance!"

Lyle laughed. "Ah, yeah, and you're not our dad. Issues much?"

Sydney glared at him. "Don't you talk back to me!" he growled frostily.

"Ooo, good!" Parker enthused. "Free time! Yay! I can plot!"

"I am sick of hearing you two arguing day and night!" Sydney snapped.

"Ew, stalker!" Parker quipped, glaring at Lyle. "You might've told me you were one of those B&E freaks. Might have fuckin' told me you broke into my joint and started some dumb ass argument with me _in my sleep_! So now it comes out! You're so dead! I wondered why I've been so tired, lately-"

"May have something to do with all that plotting you've been doing," Lyle replied.

"It was you, you freak!"

Sydney shook his head.

"Fine. It was me," Lyle conceded. "It's always me. Popular me. Just... go back to plotting, then."

Parker fell silent. Right, Sydney looked really mad. And kinda sick of the both of them. She supposed she'd just shut up for a while. He'd get over it; he just needed some time.

Sydney went back to his chair and sat down.

Parker sighed quietly.

Lyle shook his head at her.

She showed him her finger, then pointed at her chest. He could just shut up cos this was shit she just _felt_!

Broots frowned at her.

She rolled her eyes. _Spoilt sport._ She mouthed, _Meanie!_


End file.
